This is MY life

I am sick of people messing with MY life.  Period.  My videos to speak out against the unnecessary overmedication of the chronically in pain (the ones who are really in pain,  not someone who was looking to get high.

I smoke marijuana.  Why?

Why the fuck not?  My body is a damned mess.  I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.  It hurts constantly-throughout my entire fucking body.  I hate the disorder as much as I hate the years before it that I went undiagnosed and labeled (not just these-this is just what I can remember at a late hour of the night....) a drug addict.  Most people who have mental illnesses are labeled "chemically dependent."  But let's look at the list of Symptoms (that is what you report to your doctor-thus, I began my photographic documentation of the fucking insanity going on in my body-I am talking one leg being purple and cold and feeling like fucking fire, and the other one feeling fine.  Until I was improperly treated.....

There began the oddysey----NEVER ICE if RSD/CRPS (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome are usually used interchangeably by doctors and patients alike), and as soon still as they hear I have a mental illness history-I am labeled many of the following-and if you are reading this-and can relate and see this list, and have experienced this-please: if you wish to remain anonymous: by all means-go ahead and post a comment anonymously-I am open to and woud like to hear others' experiences....as I know for freaking sure that my PCP is going to freak-but she is fucking useless to me.  Toxic drugs are all I get and a load of bullshit-cock and bull and piled with toxic synthetic medication.

When I started taking legally prescribed medicinal marijuana, I felt like my body was waking the hell up for the first time in many many years.  Even though marijuana is legal for RSD/CRPS (RSD from thus forward), I have been put (yes, you read correctly, PUT) in housing program for low-income that forbids me to use medical marijuana in the confines of my home?  Excuse me?

Here's the list of diagnoses (supposed-I don't even think most of them are even true...but the havoc on my body has been documented since the onset-partly becuase I could barely understand my own experience...)

Drug addict

Drug seeker

Poly-pharmeceutical drug abuse

drug abuse

malingerer (I am faking/etc to "get out of work/life or social responsibilities)

crazy

liar

faker

"multiple somatic complaints"

Borderline Personality (my mother has it-I honestly don't know what to think!)

Ficticious Disorder (true "ficticous disorder, previous, aka "Munchausen Syndrome"-the difference between the two is very slight.  Ficticious Disorder is the "less severe" form:

Factitious disorders are conditions in which a person acts as if he or she has an illness by deliberately producing, feigning, or exaggerating symptoms. Factitious disorder by proxy is a condition in which a person deliberately produces, feigns, or exaggerates symptoms in a person who is in their care. Münchausen syndrome, a severe form of factitious disorder, was the first kind identified, and was for a period the umbrella term for all such disorders.^[1] People with this condition may produce symptoms by contaminating urine samples, taking hallucinogens, injecting themselves with bacteria to produce infections, and other such similar behaviour. They might be motivated to perpetrate factitious disorders either as a patient or by proxy as a caregiver to gain any variety of benefits including attention, nurturance, sympathy, and leniency that are unobtainable any other way. In contrast, somatoform disorders are characterised by multiple somatic complaints,^[2] albeit both are diagnoses of exclusion.

Ok, say any of the above were even Factitious disorders are conditions in which a person acts as if he or she has an illness by deliberately producing, feigning, or exaggerating symptoms. Factitious disorder by proxy is a condition in which a person deliberately produces, feigns, or exaggerates symptoms in a person who is in their care. Münchausen syndrome, a severe form of factitious disorder, was the first kind identified, and was for a period the umbrella term for all such disorders.^[1] People with this condition may produce symptoms by contaminating urine samples, taking hallucinogens, injecting themselves with bacteria to produce infections, and other such similar behaviour. They might be motivated to perpetrate factitious disorders either as a patient or by proxy as a caregiver to gain any variety of benefits including attention, nurturance, sympathy, and leniency that are unobtainable any other way. In contrast, somatoform disorders are characterised by multiple somatic complaints,^[2] albeit both are diagnoses of exclusion

Well, when you are taking the following drugs in these doses for over 15 years:

Depakote 3,000mg/day (in pill form!)***- 

Lamictal 700mg/day (the anticonvulsant literature recommends no more than 200mg: PER day!

Zyprexa 40mg/day

Seroquel 900mg/day

Klonopin 3mg/day

Haldol (antipsychotic #3-guess it was because I was moving-or maybe breathing? Thank God I lived to tell my story.

Others have not been so fortunate.  One of my best friend's daugter was not.  She was found dead in bed on October 19, 2011.  Her cause of death?  "Polypharmeceutical Overdose."  No "accidental."  She too, labeled "Drug addict."  Really, now?  I don't think that she was-her mother remains, seemingly uncertain.  This is fucked up.

The toxicity of those meds flooding my system were introduced almost immediately afterwards: a sedative.

Antidepressant.  Anti-anxiety medications.  I almost immediately did a nose dive.  I am shocked that I ever worked as an RN and certainly a fucking miracle that I am alive...

I walked around in a haze of toxicity and my mind is finally clearing.  I am dropping an assload of weight:

age 19-no meds, drink socially and once in a while some mj-Do look sick?

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2006

2005

2004

2003-before I got MRSA

same time (03)

Going for my CA surgery? Combine those drugs with the psych drugs and see who was a toxic waste dump-and they say marijuana is bad??

I think that the shrinks who over prescribe at the maximum dose, and give me-starting at age NINTEEN???  This was what I looked like then-the only photo I have then, and you will see why...in a bit.

OOPS!!!  I drifted off and was dreaming of this wonderful pan of my first marijuana brownies-mmmmm, hmmmmm..... but I need to gain weight, and the munchies kicked in...this 8 x 8 pan had a lovely, heavenly smell of marijuana (hey give me a break, I was supposed to be smoking joints from a 1/4 that the dispensary OWES me-admittedly-and I have the email: in writing-but they are being pricks....but oh, wanna guess how much marijuana was in this (legal-you wouldn't be legal to drive after eating one, but ohhh

Retards took me off a very carefully dosed Tegretol I had been on since childhood for seizures....seems someone mistook my seizures (from a head injury, so they're damned lucky I didn't go into "status epilepticus" which is when you are seizing non-stop....a very frightening experience for all involved: one and only one medication had balanced my seizure disorder that I personally have never experienced but if I don't take that I could--so the MMJ and Teg are my only meds I take and in the Teg-just enough so I don't have grand mal: but given my lengthy emails lately I have been having absence seizures compared with the frightening ones that can follow if you have a moron managing meds-whether it be marijuana-but once you find the right combo you will start sleeping.  But I watched myself on webcam while I took a nap (heck, out of desperation, I licked a teeny bit of hash-what a lifesaver!

This is a young child having absence (petit mal) seizures (I have yes, been observed while tapered off my seizure medication (just the Teg) and it started with this, and then:

I have complex partial as well, when my meds are not taken care of-this can affect-well, listen to the "good doctor" (I don't know him, but he's pretty accurate and I can be on the phone-and stop in the middle of the conversation; but I find when I am stressed out; as in under a lot of stress, I am prone to more.  Here is a sample:

But no one heard me when I said that I had a traumatic Brain INJURY that left me with multiple focal points where the seizures were being triggered...like my temporal lobe.  Then, once, when at the hospital (name witheld, due to the fact the physician involved lost his license because all he saw when he called my neurologist was the Fioricet I have to take after this type of seizure and all--It can leave you with a monstrous headache.... But here;s the thing...you get very tired.  And the exhaustion can go on for  days..... The last kinnnd is "tonic-clonic" and invariably, if my neurologist does not step in?  Trouble.

So-here's the deal-Just a couple of small absence and what may have been a stress-triggered "psychomotor?"    Not ever happened until-MMJ.

My body FEELS different-well, not as toxic: I  take MMJ as credit-and none of the frightening "grand mal" otherwise known as "tonic-clonic" as discussed above.

I wonder how many freaking times I had the psychomotors-and woke up in seclusion and restraints with my body flooded with toxic drugs: